Elrond: The ring was forged in the fires of mount doom only there can it be unmade!

[Merry bursts from his hiding spot.] Merry: Holy shit this thing is made out of a volcano!?

E: Ummm… yes. That is correct

M: COOOL! And only this volcano can destroy it?

E: That, yeah, that’s what I just said

M: SOOO cool… Say…Have you tried other volcanoes?

E: What?

M: I’m just saying if it can be destroyed by dropping it in one volcano, maybe the same is true for other volcanos. Perhaps ones not surrounded by hoards of enemies and poisonous air and all that

E: But it was made there

M: Yes yes, I get that, very poetic, but have you TRIED using another volcano. I’m just saying, before we all set out on a quest we’re very likely to all die on, perhaps we exhaust just ONE OR TWO other options.

E: Hmmmm…

[Pip also emerges from the hiding place] Pippin: We could go to Honolulu, there’s an active volcano there, and it’s Hawaii like, we could go to a luau, eat some pigs, drink some of those giant crazy tiki drinks, they’ve even got these volcano tourist trips where someone with a car DRIVES YOU THE FUCK UP THERE and we can ride Bikes down! Bikes Elrond, Bikes! Like have you ever ridden on a Bicycle before? I’m sure you can stop on yr way out to the grey havens even

E: But what if it doesn’t work.

M: OMG DUDE, if it doesn’t work it will be at the bottom of a fucking volcano! Can’t think of a safer place for it.

Frodo: Merry makes and unusually good point, marching into Mordor = highly likelihood of death and someone getting the ring to Sauron. On the other hand, apparently the ring was in a fucking cave with Gollum for 500 years! And all the Necromancer’s horses and all the Necromancer’s men couldn’t put 2 and 2 together to find the one fucking ring of infinite power again.

Gandalf: It’s too late the Nazgul have been dispatched, they can sense the ring, even now they draw closer to it.

M: Yes, and guess what those hooded twatwads hate? Fucking FIRE. If the ring is at the bottom of a volcano, I just don’t see them getting to it

Samwise: They did all run away just cause Strider showed up with a torch.

Strider: it’s true, they still seem to have trouble with the concept of stop, drop, and roll

E: No, this quest is too important to-

Frodo: I will take it! I will take the ring to Hawaii!

[A hush falls over the crowd]

F: but first I say we put it to a vote. Dwarves, hobbits, humans, anyone who wants to go on a gruesome quest to a wasteland filled things that want to kill you say, “aye, want to go to austrailia.”

[Boromir begins to stand up, Legolas gestures and shakes his head no. Boromir sits back down.]

F: Thought so. Now everyone in favour of catching the next eagle to a tropical island, riding bikes, and getting plastered on a beach say “Nayme of the Wind was a better trilogy”.

Strider: By my life or death, I will go with you to Hawaii and get drunk with you after we drop the ring into a volcano. You have my goblet

Legolas: and my Waterford crystal wine glass

Gimly: and my mug! (elven pooftas)

Boromir: and my ale horn!

Arwen: Did someone say “Destination wedding!”

Elrond: very well, you shall be the drinking party of the Ring. Now, get these wise halflings some second breakfast and our finest ale.


The follow up to my last post is obviously my list for 2018 so here it is.

Books for 2018*

  1. World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War – Max Brooks (Partial reread, audio book, Original full cast recording + “The Lost Files”)
    1. This is one I recommend constantly. It’s written and performed documentary style as a series of interviews by the author. The original cast recording cut a significant portion of the chapters, but following the debut of the film (which was terrible and had nothing to do with the book. They really should have done it the way they did the audio book.) they recorded the rest of the scenes. The cast is amazing, including: Mark Hammil, Alan Alda, Nathan Fillion, John Tututro, Martin Scorsese, Common, Simon Pegg, Henry Rollins, Rob Reiner, Kal Penn, Frank Darabont, and Masi Oka.
  2. The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery (Feb)
    1. Nope, never read it. Delphi is appalled.
  3. Stardust – Neil Gaiman
    1. Saw the movie. Never read the book. Some easy going Gaiman as a break.
  4. To Kill a Mocking Bird – Harper Lee
    1. Are you picking up on a theme of childhood classics I never read
  5. The Man Who was Thursday – GK Chesterton
    1. Haven’t read GKC in ages and Girl got into him last year so I guess I’ll take another look.
  6. Interworld – Neil Gaiman
    1. No idea what this is or where it came from but it’s on my bookshelf. Might as well.
  7. The Stranger – Albert Camus(March)
    1. Left over from last year’s goals
  8. Jailbird – Kurt Vonnegut
    1. My Vonnegut for the year/see Camus
  9. A Wrinkle in Time – Madeline L’Engle
    1. See Lee
  10. Heart Shaped Box– Joe Hill
    1. Pushed hard by a friend
  11. American Splendour – Harvey Pekar (April)
    1. Been meaning to get around to this
  12. The Illustrated Man – Ray Bradbury
    1. One of my favourite authors. Taking my time getting though all his stuff before I run out.
  13. Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
    1. See Lee
  14. Beloved – Tony Morrison
    1. See Lee
  15. A Perfect Vacuum – Stanislaw Lem(may)
    1. Recommended by a trusted friend
  16. Suttree – Cormac McCarthy
    1. My McCarthy for the year
  17. Tender is the Night – F. Scot Fitzgerald (june)
    1. Really want to read some not Gatsby to see what I think of FSG outside of his most notable work.
  18. Iron Weed – William Kennedy
    1. Given to me by one of my favourite profs. Sr year, who said this was important in my growth as a writer. I should try reading it this decade.
  19. Tropic of Cancer – Henry Miller
    1. Gotta get in all the other dirty old men, right?
  20. Labyrinths – Jorge Louis Borges (July)
    1. Apparently this is better than libraries which I found… eh
  21. Meditations – Marcus Aurelius
    1. My heavy reading for the year. Always thought it was a big hole in my classical learning.
  22. The Yiddish Detective Agency – Michael Chabon(August)
    1. I love Chabon. I should read more of his stuff. This is where people keep telling me to go next.
  23. The Once and Future King – TH White
    1. Bookshelf of shame. Pushed on me for ages by The Monk.
  24. Sandman Slim – Richard Kadrey (September)
    1. I traded reads with a co-worker.
  25. Blind Assassin/Madaddam – Margaret Atwood
    1. Not sure which I’ll go, but wanted another Atwood for the year
  26. Wind up Bird Chronicles – Haruki Murakami (October)
    1. I keep saying I’ll read more Murakami, this is the general recommendation. So far I’ve only got Norwegian Wood  and a handful of short stories, all of which I’ve loved.
  27. Catch 22 – Joseph Keller
    1. What even is this book? See Lee, see Bookshelf of shame
  28. The Curious Case of Dassoukine’s Trousers – Fouad Laroui (November)
    1. I wrote this down on my “Shit I should really read list”. No idea why or who recommended. So it’s at the bottom and probably wont make it.


Ongoing Comic Books, Audiobooks, and Shorts

  1. The Graphic Cannon Vol 2. – Various
    1. Selections of classic works illustrated by modern artists. Just to keep up some variety
  2. Homestuck Act 3-4 – Andrew Hussie
    1. Didn’t realize till writing this I’m almost done with act 2. All I’m asking of myself is to get through Act 3 but Act 4 would be nice as it is also the conclusion of Part 1, before starting Act 5: Act 1. It’s also halfway through Side One and most of the way through Disc 1… It’s confusing. The point is, acts one and two were 12.5K and 32K respectively, Three and four are 19.9K and 48.1K with a 9K intermission so… yeah, miles to go before I sleep.
  3. Saga 8-9 – Brian K Vaughan
  4. Sex Criminals 3-5 – Matt Fraction
  5. Lazarus 8-9 – Greg Rukka
  6. House of Mystery 5-6 – Bill Willingham and Lilah Sturges
  7. Dark Tower books 2-4 – Stephen King (audio book)
    1. I stopped at 3 last time. Gonna see if get through at least 4 (which is supposedly one of the best) and see where I fall with it.
  8. Parable of the Sower – Octavia Butler
    1. Wasn’t a HUGE fan of Kindred, but this came heavily recommended by several sources and is what I was looking for originally, so I’llgonna see if I feel different about it.
  9. Discworld, (The Colour of Magic – ???) – Terry Pratchett
    1. I think these may be Delphi and I’s next Audio book series for housework/road trips. I’ve read a few of them, but randomly and out of order. The ones I’ve read, I found fun and perfect for chowing through while traveling. I always meant to get around to more of them, so this will be a nice way to kill time while adulting.


That comes out to 36 entries. Again, it’s hard to be comparative here, but I’d say it’d be significantly more than last year, were I to get through it all. The main list is roughly in the order I intent to read them, so we’ll see how it goes.

* I wrote this list at the actual start of the year and I’ve already deviated from this list. Firstly, with Locke and Key by Joe Hill, which holyfuckballs, was that good. Definitely sold on reading Heart Shaped Box ASAP.

Every year I put out a list of all the books I’m going to try to read, but I tend to forget about it fairly quickly. The list is usually thematic and always ambitious. I’ve never actually read the entire list for the year. There may be some rule that I keep to, but diverging from and not getting through the whole thing is inevitable. This doesn’t bother me, but I was curious as to what is realistic; so last year I started tracking the books I read as I went along to see how it matched up with my list from the start of the year.

Here it is. I’ll post my To Reads for 2018 later.

Books for 2017

  1. Oryx and Crake – Margaret Atwood
    1. Atwood fucking rocks. Not nearly as good as Handmaids Tale, but not nearly as bad as I have heard from some of it’s detractors. It’s the first of a trilogy, but I felt it was conclusive.
  2. Haunted – Chuck Palahniuk
    1. Way over hyped. I was wavering on CP as an author so asked my mates to suggest something to help make up my mind and I think they made a grave mistake. Basically, glorified torture porn wrapped up in poetic philosophy and if you try to start with me on the “yeah, that’s the point…” line, stuff it. It’s still a pile of wankish “look how upsetting I can be”, even if he can write real good.
  3. Human Being and of Citizen: Essays on Virtue, Freedom, and the Common Good – George Anastopalo
    1. Lent to me by Mister, who directed me to begin with a section on the role of “obscenity” in the social order (to grossly oversimplify: how should we address things which are obscene with regard to the rights of an individual’s expression versus the state’s obligation to the wellbeing of the citizenry.) and many more fun filled queries.
  4. The Name of the Wind – Patrick Rothfus
    1. One of those, enough people (most all my friend group and everyone one in my house) started hounding me about this I finally read it. It has restored my faith in the fantasy genre. Fuckin hell, it was good. For serial, go read.
  5. Wise Man’s Fear – Patrick Rothfus
    1. When I started Name of the Wind, I didn’t know the 250,000-word piece was the first of a series. I read it and subsequently it’s 400,000-word sequel inside a week, then went back to the bookstore for the third and final instalment, where I was told. “dude, I’m really sorry, but I’ve got some bad news for you.” To all my friends who got me started FUCK YOU! Why the fuck would you leave this pertinent piece of information out of your praise for the thing!? So I could join you in your anguished waiting??? So yeah, you should totally read it ASAP and let’s all sit outside Rothfuss’s house until 2021 which is when he says it will be out.
  6. Ready Player One – Ernest Cline
    1. Another book I read due to popular consensus. Again, proving that there is new worthwhile scifi being written.
  7. A Wizard of Earthsea – Ursula K LeGuine
    1. One of the seminal works of modern fantasy, I finally made myself read it. I can see how it influenced many younger writers, but… and I know this is going to be very unpopular, I wasn’t terribly enthused by it. Rothfuss took the same plot and did a better job with it. I know, I’m a monster.
  8. Love in the time of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
    1. Me and Delphi have a book at a time we read to each other (it takes a while). This was last year’s. not my favourite GGM (perhaps I’ve grown old and cynical, cause I felt the absolute devotion of certain parties to be dumb), but he’s still a brilliant fucking writer.
  9. Game of Thrones – George RR martin (audio book)
    1. Along with book 2 of the series, I listened to most of them on audio with Delphi. She went through all 5, but I heard less and less of them as she listed on her way to and from work more and more, which I was totally fine with. The show is better. Sorry, but it’s true.
  10. Clash of Kings – George RR martin
  11. Norse Gods – Neil Gaiman
    1. My Gaiman for the year. It’s good. Worth it if you like Norse Myths or Gaimen.
  12. Sex Criminals Volume 2 – Matt Fraction
    1. This is a fucking hilarious and fun series. Not sure if it will keep up, but will see
  13. Love, Dishonor, Mary, Die; Cherish, Perish, A Novel by – David Rakoff
    1. Also one Delphi and I read to each other. A novel written in verse (specifically, mimicking Dr Seuss) tying the lives of a number of individuals together across generations. Very Funny, amazingly executed.
  14. The Gunslinger – Stephen King (audio book)
    1. Rereading after much discussions of the DT series and how it connects to King’s work as a whole. I never got past book three in HS. I got bored, but I’m giving it a second chance in light of a number of conversations I had following the cluster fuck that was the recent film adaptation.
  15. Homestuck Act 1-2 – Andrew Hussie
    1. Let me tell you about Homestuck, begins the meme. “The Ulysses of the internet” (see PBS’s Idea Channel episode on the matter to get excited about it). I started it as part of a project I was working on and one day I’ll finish it. If you think it’s weird for me to include a web comic here, it’s over ten thousand pages and 875,500 words long (about the combined length of Song of Ice and Fire, Infinite Jest, and Ulysses). And that doesn’t include many of the tangential ‘spinoff’ stories that come with it or the 4.5 hours of video.
  16. Shop Class as Soul Craft – Mathew Crawford
    1. Another gift from Mister. Seriously good meditation on the value of labour and learning. Every time I start to explain it people say “oh, like Zen and the Art of Mo…” not at all.
  17. The Incest Diary – Anonymous
    1. Honest and fucked up. Worth absolutely not reading if you have any sense of decency, which I don’t.
  18. The Name of the Wind – Patrick Rothfus (reread, Audio book)
    1. Reread these as audio books with Delphi on a road trip
  19. Wise Man’s Fear – Patrick Rothfus (reread, Audio book)
    1. See above
  20. Ready Player One – Ernest Cline (reread, Audio book, Nar. Wil Wheton)
    1. See above
  21. Molly’s Game – Molly Bloom (audio book)
    1. It passes the time. If yr enough into that sort of thing. Looking forward to seeing the Sorkin movie.
  22. Special Topics in Calamity Physics – Marisha Pessl
    1. A gift from a new friend. It’s a good book.
  23. The Master and the Margarita – Mikhail Bulgakov
    1. Long overdue read from the bookshelf of shame
  24. Libraries – Jorge Louis Borges
    1. See above. Finally reading some ground-breaking magical realism after having my own work described as such for years.
  25. Chew 1-3 – Don Layman
    1. Been told about it for years. Finally read a bunch off the shelf at Barnes and Nobel. Good stuff. Can’t wait to read more
  26. Lazerus 4-7 – Greg Rukka
    1. The brilliant fucking bastard behind Queen and Country (one of my all time favourites) does it again.
  27. Saga 4-6 – Brian K Vaughan
    1. It’s BKV and it’s super popular, what else is there to say?

That makes 27 entries. There’s peoples a plenty who get really hung up on how many books they read in a year, it’s difficult to quantify reading as some books are longer, some are very short, some are easy, some are super dense, etc. I would like to have gotten more, but that’s because I would like to/should spend more of my time reading. In all, I find it to have been a perfectly adequate amount of written word to consume for an average person.


Posted: 1 September, 2017 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,
It Finally fucking happened.
Last Friday was the release of Beans on Toast and I could not have asked for it to have gone any better.
We had a solid turnout, the performers were fucking fantastic, the crowd was super receptive, and everyone there seemed to be having fun.
First off, a thousand thanks to everyone who came out to see the show. I hope y’all enjoyed yourselves and very much hope you enjoy the book.
Thank you to the performers and staff. Y’all fuckin rocked and I appreciate yr hard work.
Thank you to all the backers who couldn’t be there that night. You were missed.
And the first reviews are in!
“The Guinness Shit! [thumbs up emoji]… this book came at the right time… I laughed out loud. Bravo.” – J
“It’s…fucking good. You’re REALLY funny.* I had no idea how funny you were. May favorite is [lunchroom]. Lol’d hard” *sic – L
Moving on.
I am currently working on getting all of the preordered books out of my house and into people’s hands.
I will be sending out a survey/message type thing for everyone who gets one for your shipping address. So look for that and please respond or I can’t send you yr stuff.
As soon as that is done I’ll be reviewing the digital versions to send to those of ye who ordered them.
And that should be it. I will post once more when all the rewards are sent. That will be the last update here and this sumbitch will be closed.
Finally, there are still plenty of books left (I haven.t counted exactly,but I’m not worried), if you want one please message me on any of the medias.

Wow, don’t know how I totally forgot to post this here*

but for any of you who aren’t connected to me on the Fakebooks,

Here is the link to the facebook event. 
Let us know you’re coming!

And here are the details for the release event:

Doors open at 8:30, show starts at 9pm
at the Charnel House
3421 W Fullerton Ave, Chicago, Illinois 60647

Featuring performances from:
Doctor Death Crush
Florence Ofalabia
Clara and the Great Goddamn
Vida Ambrose
Mo Less
and Gin Fizz

The official release party for the long awaited book Beans on Toast by Addison O’Donnell. Selected readings from the book and signing will be accompanied by riotous entertainment.

The work that has been called “The Chinese Democracy of the litereary world” by some makes its debut August 25th at the Charnel house.

An apocolypse due to a clerical Error, a plot to profit off the death of the pope, and a trip to an otherworldly antique fair.
Beans on Toast is a mix of short stories and interludes filled with sex, drugs, and magic, that was written live while locked in a single room for week.

$5 Cover, free for backers who are picking up stuff from me.

I love you all so much. Thank you for making this possible.
Hope you can make it

As Ever,



*Actually I do know (ADD + Anxiety surrounding asking people for help = Techno Peasantry/Not being very good at self promotion)Ay-ya

On my return from Maine, these were waiting for me



The finished product. I spent a few hours fondling them.  Counted out the preorders and set them aside. That’s about forty percent of them. Those still need to be signed and packaged.

They are only inches away from my fingers as I write this.

so what’s keeping them out of yours?

well, more boxes.

like these

There just wasn’t enough time between Maine (followed by Canada, followed by Louisiana this week) and the move to get everything out and I didn’t want piles of BoT shit confusing all the other packing that was to be done. I’m moving out of The Stockholm Academy for Wayward Girls and Boys (we had a nice little graduation ceremony and everything) and into the Lawndale Conservatory for Domestic Feminism with my partner. That’s whats been taking up time. Also I’ve been trying to remain cautious about posting things I’m not sure about.

The first books will be available at the release event. If you are in the Chicago area you’ll be able to you will be able to pick them up there if you have preorders or buy them there if you don’t.

Any orders that don’t get picked up at the event, I will be sending out by mail along with the rest of the rewards the week after. I’ll message people privately to make sure your addresses are still correct. Also, if you still would like to reserve a copy($17) for yourself you can message me anytime between now and the event and I will set one aside for  you.

One more thing. This is a limited run. About 40% of my stock is preorders and once the rest are gone, they’re gone. I may order more if I get close to selling out in the next week, but I think it is unlikely.

OK, the event

I will be posting details about the release event as things get locked down. We have a tentative location, but that may change. There’s gonna be all sorts of fun stuff there. There will be entertainment, live music, burlesque, maybe some comedy, maybe more.

The party will be – if all goes according to plan – on August 25th. So mark your calendars cause it’s comin up soon.


Thanks for sticking around, friendos



Hard copy in hand. It came by mail a few days ago.

I’ve already broken the spine going through it. Now I scrutinize this shit out of this thing, page by page and makes sure everything looks ok in its current form.When I’m done with it I send off my final corrections and then it’s back to waiting. In the meantime I’m going to be setting up the release and making sure things are ready to go when the boxes arrive.