Dear ABC, or Why I should be the next Bachelor

Posted: 9 May, 2016 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Delphi has been watching The Bachelor lately. She’s even joined a fantasy league and what’s more she is winning by a large margin. It has made her insufferable the past few days.

But it got me thinking. I would be a fantastic Bachelor.

We’d go on a group date to my study and play a game called ‘let’s see who can be quiet for a few hours while daddy works’.

I’d empathetically ask each of them if they were so dedicated to the prospect of this match that they had quit their jobs and racked up credit card debt to be on the show (most of them do) and I’d tell them “well you lot can go. I can’t be married to someone who’s that financially and emotionally irresponsible.”

I’d give out roses at the ceremony with comments like “Chelsea, I’m almost certainly not going to choose you because you are bat shit crazy, but the networks is pushing me to let you stay a few more episodes for the ratings. Please accept this rose.”

We’d have a team came where the women had to pair off with the other person on the show they would most like to join us for a threesome.

Obviously, there would be a blind cocktail competition.

And finally, at the end I would stand on the beach with my chosen lady and say, “you are so wonderful and lovely and our time together has been one of the best television seasons of my life. I have to tell you something very important… I’m actually in a pretty serious relationship right now. She’s pretty great and we have a solid track record so I’m gonna marry her instead.”

BOOM! Twist ending! No one will see it coming.


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