Old Movies

Posted: 12 May, 2016 in Daily Droppings
Tags: , , ,

Throwing away old files today, receipts and paystubs to start. Medical bills I’m not sure I ever paid. Expired certifications. Cleaning out old character sheets from the DnD folder. Next, I’m lead to my external hard drive to see if I stored anything there. It’s mostly fruitless, but I’m in a mood. Just took my first happy pill, you see. And I get to pictures, mostly deleting copies and junk. Shot of signs or houses, visual inside jokes sent to friends. Sorting things into more cohesive folders.

Somewhere there’s a fold I renamed “Old Life”, pictures and videos that span about a year. A year pushed out my mind. The videos are the strangest part. They’re all these short candids. One of us holding the camera, sometimes denying it is on, filming something ordinary and the other sees.

—Are you filming me?

—No of course not!

—Yes you are! I can see the light’s on!

None of them are longer than a minute. Sometimes there is a question or a kiss.

If this was cinemasins you’d hear “protagonist looking at home movies of dead/ex girlfriend cliché”.

I can’t for the life of me remember these being filmed. I can, all these years later remember so clear the reasons we got together and the ways we fell apart, but I don’t remember this in between time — that year we were so desperate to pretend we were grown-ups — simple moments of happiness that I can see on our faces. The blanket pulled over our heads, wrestling on the futon, her standing over a pain splattered drop cloth or me crouched over that side table I used as a desk in our attic apartment built for one, passing notes or glances at the Well because it was too loud, but staying because the drinks were cheap. Crowded, naked in the bedroom, the ceiling too low to stand, waving, blurs of intertwined limbs and LPs and clothes on the living room floors and how ever did we do this?

Pen and ink and squid.

Our past selves are sometimes strangers on the streets possessing secrets we will never shake out of them.

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