I will Take the Ring to Hawaii

Posted: 18 June, 2018 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Elrond: The ring was forged in the fires of mount doom only there can it be unmade!

[Merry bursts from his hiding spot.] Merry: Holy shit this thing is made out of a volcano!?

E: Ummm… yes. That is correct

M: COOOL! And only this volcano can destroy it?

E: That, yeah, that’s what I just said

M: SOOO cool… Say…Have you tried other volcanoes?

E: What?

M: I’m just saying if it can be destroyed by dropping it in one volcano, maybe the same is true for other volcanos. Perhaps ones not surrounded by hoards of enemies and poisonous air and all that

E: But it was made there

M: Yes yes, I get that, very poetic, but have you TRIED using another volcano. I’m just saying, before we all set out on a quest we’re very likely to all die on, perhaps we exhaust just ONE OR TWO other options.

E: Hmmmm…

[Pip also emerges from the hiding place] Pippin: We could go to Honolulu, there’s an active volcano there, and it’s Hawaii like, we could go to a luau, eat some pigs, drink some of those giant crazy tiki drinks, they’ve even got these volcano tourist trips where someone with a car DRIVES YOU THE FUCK UP THERE and we can ride Bikes down! Bikes Elrond, Bikes! Like have you ever ridden on a Bicycle before? I’m sure you can stop on yr way out to the grey havens even

E: But what if it doesn’t work.

M: OMG DUDE, if it doesn’t work it will be at the bottom of a fucking volcano! Can’t think of a safer place for it.

Frodo: Merry makes and unusually good point, marching into Mordor = highly likelihood of death and someone getting the ring to Sauron. On the other hand, apparently the ring was in a fucking cave with Gollum for 500 years! And all the Necromancer’s horses and all the Necromancer’s men couldn’t put 2 and 2 together to find the one fucking ring of infinite power again.

Gandalf: It’s too late the Nazgul have been dispatched, they can sense the ring, even now they draw closer to it.

M: Yes, and guess what those hooded twatwads hate? Fucking FIRE. If the ring is at the bottom of a volcano, I just don’t see them getting to it

Samwise: They did all run away just cause Strider showed up with a torch.

Strider: it’s true, they still seem to have trouble with the concept of stop, drop, and roll

E: No, this quest is too important to-

Frodo: I will take it! I will take the ring to Hawaii!

[A hush falls over the crowd]

F: but first I say we put it to a vote. Dwarves, hobbits, humans, anyone who wants to go on a gruesome quest to a wasteland filled things that want to kill you say, “aye, want to go to austrailia.”

[Boromir begins to stand up, Legolas gestures and shakes his head no. Boromir sits back down.]

F: Thought so. Now everyone in favour of catching the next eagle to a tropical island, riding bikes, and getting plastered on a beach say “Nayme of the Wind was a better trilogy”.

Strider: By my life or death, I will go with you to Hawaii and get drunk with you after we drop the ring into a volcano. You have my goblet

Legolas: and my Waterford crystal wine glass

Gimly: and my mug! (elven pooftas)

Boromir: and my ale horn!

Arwen: Did someone say “Destination wedding!”

Elrond: very well, you shall be the drinking party of the Ring. Now, get these wise halflings some second breakfast and our finest ale.

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