Posts Tagged ‘america’

I’m not ashamed of being a Texan, but I am ashamed of you Rick Perry.

You are an Ass Hat.

That’s right.  An Ass Hat.

Yeah that’s not a ten gallon on your head. It’s an ass. and I don’t mean a donkey (we know you’re more of an elephant guy anyhow). I mean an ass like a butt, a tush, or a tucus (that’s Jewish for ass, but you wouldn’t know that cause you’re such a proud Christian). One of those asses that shits. Asses are full of shit. You are full of shit Rick Perry. Much like an ass. and you’re shitting on the heads of Texans who don’t like you, cause you are an ass hat full of shit. And you’re shitting on us with all that shit that you are full of. In the past few months you have shit on gays, women, students, soldiers, poor people, non-Christians, children, gay soldiers, women soldiers, gay women soldiers, gay children soldiers, non-christian students, poor students, and more (I could go on, but you get the picture).

That’s a lot of shit, asshat Perry, A whole lot of shit. You need to take some pills – like that amodium or whatever the fuck it’s called – to control your shit. You must have diarrhea or something, the way you shit all over the place. I know we have great Mexican food in Texas, but you need to switch it up. Eat some Mediterranean or something and try to regulate your political bowel movements. Cause it’s embarrassing to get shit on, even more embarrassing than seeing you shit yourself on national TV.

We’ve been taking your shit for some time, Governor Ass-hat Perry. Ever since we got rid of Bush II, we’ve had to wade in the diarrhea that falls from you Gubernatorial Head-wear. At least Bush was less of an ass and more of just a hat (with nothing in it).

You know who would make a better governor than you? A better President? Kinky Friedman. He would have been a much better governor, cause his hat ain’t full of shit. I mean sure he has an ass, but he doesn’t wear it on his head like a hat. And he shits in a toilet or outside like a responsible cowboy. Not on other Texans. That’s why I voted for him and not for you. You ass hat.

It’s like, remember that one good thing you did, with the HPV vaccine. That was not shit. That was a vaccine. It didn’t come from your hat and it saved people’s lives. But now you’ve shit on that too, because you clearly have the incontinence of a 100-year-old anal rape victim. But you’re not a hundred years old and I bet you’ve never even had an anal adventure, consensual or otherwise,   so there’s really no excuse for all this shit.

And stop taking credit for all the good things that happens in Texas. Yes, we’ve got the lowest unemployment of any state in the US. Yes we have the best songs, the best food, and we’re the biggest (cause Canada, I mean Alaska, don’t count).  We got the rangers (The ball team as well as Chuck Fucking Norris) and ACL and South by southwest. But you didn’t do any of that. Cause it’s not shit. Those things happen because we’re Texans and we’re fucking awesome like that.

So you’ve got swagger and a stare, so what. It doesn’t matter how many sexy photo shoots you do for magazine covers. No one is going to find your political scatology sexy. Not even those people who like regular scat play (like Ann Coulter) and those people are crazy.

Also, that’s a dumb jacket. Just sayin.

Stop Shitting on Texas, Governor Ass Hat Perry.

Cause we don’t like it. Not one little bit. We like our asses between out backs and our legs, We like our hats regular, and we the only shit we like handling comes from cows (cause they make great frisbees and kindling).  And America probably won’t like all that shit of yours either.

I am Ranter and I approved this Message,



as you can guess from the title, I’m listening to “Pinball Wizard” by The Who, Tommy

So “Pinball Wizard” came on the shuffle. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I listen to music I see it in my head. Sometimes it’s sheet music, sometimes it’s the instrument being played or the singer, sometimes it’s just a series of abstract images. Most often however it’s  more like a montage of scenes, much like a music video.

So while Pinball Wizard was playing, something occurred to me about Pinball.

You Can’t Win

That’s right people. It is physically, morally, and grammatically impossible to win this ‘game’.

You can do very well. You can hold the high score, but you cannot win. It is one of the few cases where the only way to finish something is to lose.

It occurred to me when I was thinking of how to construct a mental scene of the epic game described in the song. And I couldn’t end it. At least not to my satisfaction.  There is no way the new champion can be seen in his moment of triumph without also showing his moment of defeat.

In other arcade games you can beat the game. Even if it starts you over again until you die, you can at least ‘win’. Baseball ends in a strike, but it ends with a winner and a loser, even if they have to go into extra innings (as many as needed) to do so. In bowling or darts, even alone, there is a set number of turns or a score that finishes the game. In this case you can’t lose, so it’s more like practice.In pinball you only finish by losing.

What strikes me as most odd about it is how obsessed we are with winning as a culture. We crossed the ocean, wiped out the Indians, traveled to the new coast, built the railroad and skyscrapers, went to the moon. Pinball seems to stand as the antithesis of all things American.  I supposed you could counter with the fact that The Who are British. It really doesn’t matter though as Americans inherited this trait from their Anglo ancestors, who themselves wiped out indigenous peoples and conquered the world.

Upon further research I have discovered that it was the French who invented Pinball. And we all know France’s forte has never been #winning.

Therefore I must posit that Pinball must be a communist propaganda weapon. Think for a moment.  People stuck in dead-end jobs (perhaps assigned to them by the state) face a similar plight and a system (or game) that awards you points like a pat on the back, which contain no actual material value, while simultaneously taking your coins and placing them into a larger pot to be distributed as the owner of the game (the government) sees fit.

The USSR gave out awards like that. The order of Lenin was given out to soldiers, yes, but it was also awarded to ordinary working class Joes (or Vanyas, Vasilis, whatever) for being exceptionally good colliers or steel pressers. These heroes of the motherland were not given a promotion or raise for all their hard work. No, they went back to the mines and the factories and kept shooting for that high score and the only way out was death.

What else could it be?

Perhaps it is the French philosophers who are to blame. Those fellows who came up with what we now call existentialism.  Perhaps this is designed to be a form of mimesis, echoing life’s own cruel joke. We spend our lives attempting to rack up points and gain extra balls. We juggle and flip and tilt and do everything within our power to fend off the inevitable; the final ball sinking through the flippers and coming to rest in stillness beneath the glass of the machine.

The world may never know.

Shuffle Says: “Marry You” B.B. King and Eric Claption Ridin with the King.

So, awhile ago I wrote about my last road trip back up here (that was before my plates expired and I ended up with 500 dollars in parking tickets in two weeks while keeping it in the exact same spot on my street) and how wonderful the drive was. This was in large part due to the pleasant company of Neil Gaiman and friends and the new full cast recording of  American Gods. 

For anyone who doesn’t know, Gaiman is a huge fan if audio books and I’m sure he went through a great deal of effort to ensure a fine production. Before the tenth anniversary of Gods Gaiman’s last novel to take an aural turn was The Graveyard Book and before that was The Wolves in the Walls both of which were for children and both of which were read in their official capacity entirely by him. In American Gods (the first version did not feature the dulcet tones of the author’s voice) Gaiman takes a bit of a back seat opting not narrate this one as he believes it would be inappropriate given his accent (an admirable choice). Instead he takes on the “Coming To America” passages, all immigrant stories, which makes far more sense considering he is one himself.  Even for those brief moments, his voice as always was a wonderful, sexy addition to the joy of the story itself.

This book is certainly on my top five and I believe, especially considering its sheer epic nature, is one that always stands for a great reread.

The new edition also features 16,000 more words than the original U.S. version. It gives it a bit of a ‘directors cut feel’, though not changing the story all that much. Gaiman admired that the “original” version has long since been lost. After half a dozen rewrites and numerous edits and editions after the majority of that text was cut, it couldn’t simply be shoved back in without negative repercussions on the story. So Gaiman says he actually did some minor rewriting to slip some extra material in and calls the new version his “preferred” text.

All things considered, however, the added content was so well blended in I had to often ask myself if maybe I had forgotten something or remembered it wrong. Luckily I was driving and couldn’t pull out my old copy to check. There additional scene with Jesus (and I wont tell you any more about it), he doesn’t put back ‘in’ at all, but leaves it as something like a deleted scene at the end. This one was interesting was… nice, a bit queer, and I can see why he left it out.

The cast is stellar, the only actors I had issue with were Shaddow’s wife Laura – there was some strange stop start cadence to her speech that just kept bothering me – and… some other woman (Sam Blackcrow I think and for the same reason)

OK so not much of a review today, but I’m feeling lazy and I really want to get this one off the shelf

Also, after spending this precious time with the book, I feel it is worth giving a half sleeve’s worth of ink to. Anyone who feels like volunteering to design it, feel free to volunteer.